This article is also available in Swedish.
“Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.” (Eph. 4:29)
We’ve all been there: said the wrong thing and caused offense. There can be a big gap in understanding and experience between single and married people in the church, so it’s easy to make clumsy comments which cause pain. We want to encourage our single friends and give them hope, but we don’t know what to say which will be helpful!
Affirm singles in their devotion to Christ. How can we make them feel loved, seen, and supported?
As someone who was single for much of my 20s and 30s but has recently married, I’d like to encourage married friends to affirm singles in their devotion to Christ. How can we make them feel loved, seen, and supported? Let’s start with some things that aren’t helpful to say before looking at some more positive questions!
“When will it be your turn?”
Imagine you are a single person at a Bachelor or Bachelorette Party. You’re very happy for your engaged friend but you’re feeling a little out of place. You can’t share personal experiences of getting married, and you may be feeling sad that your chances of matrimony are looking slim. Then the person sitting next to you asks “So… when will it be your turn?”
This question is essentially unanswerable! Only God knows when (and if) a person will get married, and he has not promised marriage to all. There may be painful or personal reasons why your single friend is not in a relationship which they are unwilling to share in a setting where to be single is to be “other.” Waiting until you are in a more private setting is likely to be appreciated by your friend, and it is also worth considering how close your relationship is, and whether you have demonstrated that you are open to receiving personal questions as well. Phrasing your question as “Do you mind if I ask what your thoughts are on getting married yourself some day?” would be a more sensitive approach.
…finding a serious, godly, Bible-believing spouse is a challenge, particularly in our Nordic context!
“There’s plenty more fish in the sea!”
This comment may be used to encourage friends to keep looking and hoping for marriage, especially after a broken relationship. However, many Christian singles (particularly those over the age of 30) find the opposite to be true: finding a serious, godly, Bible-believing spouse is a challenge, particularly in our Nordic context! Uprooting oneself from one’s church community, life, work, and ministry to find a spouse is a vulnerable thing to do. I personally know several Swedes who found a foreign spouse online and brought them into the country or left to join them overseas.
“Are you being too picky?”
“Reckless words pierce like a sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing.” (Proverbs 12:18)
Who we choose to marry is the second most important decision we make in life (beyond becoming a Christian). Since this is the person we will live alongside for the rest of our earthly lives, and with whom (God-willing) we will raise children, it is important that we have aligned visions for life and ministry. We should encourage singles to be discerning when choosing one’s life partner, rather than implying that they have impossibly high standards. Clearly if singles exclude good and godly prospects based purely on appearance or because they don’t tick every box they may have the wrong priorities. That being said, no woman would like to think she was chosen because her partner wasn’t “being picky”!
So what are helpful things to ask our single friends? Here are a few suggestions:
“How is your walk with God?”
If asking your single friend about their relationship with God feels awkward it may be because we are unused to talking about our faith as a whole. An easy way into a spiritual conversation may be to ask what they are reading in the Bible at the moment, or what God has recently taught them through his Word or their circumstances. Talking to single friends about spiritual matters will be a blessing to you and your walk with God as well.
“How are things at work?”
Work and hobbies often have high importance in the lives of single people, so asking about them is generally appreciated. Even here there are great opportunities for spiritual conversations, such as how one is being sanctified by the challenges of one’s workplace, or whether one has been able to talk to people about one’s faith at the gym. If they are involved in some sort of ministry at church, you could ask them how that is going and how you can pray for them in it. Encouraging them in this will build them up, affirming them in their “undivided devotion to the Lord” (1 Corinthians 7: 35). Don’t forget to share personally how God is speaking to you as well in your life circumstances.
“Would you like to come round for dinner next Tuesday?”
Most singles would rather be part of the chaos than eat alone.
You may be embarrassed about your unruly children or the mess at home, but most singles would rather be part of the chaos than eat alone. Making concrete invitations to come round is better than vague suggestions, which can be worse than offering at all. If inviting just one single person around feels awkward, how about inviting several? Or include them in your normal routine or in practical tasks such as grocery-shopping. I personally enjoyed helping a friend bathe her children and put them to bed when her husband was out. I felt honoured to be a trusted adult and enjoyed being actively involved in the kids’ lives. My friend and I were also able to have some adult conversation when the children were asleep, meeting my need for companionship and a listening ear.
Similarly, working on projects together may be good opportunities for fellowship and serving one another. I enjoyed stripping wallpaper at several friends’ houses, as well as benefitting from their help in moving furniture! To single friends: don’t be afraid to be clear if you are looking for company, and be clear about what sort of time together would benefit you. And don’t forget to show hospitality to families as well.
“Would you like help finding someone?”
Not all singles are looking for a spouse (or not at the moment) so this question should be treated with caution. But if you have a good relationship with your single friend and they have tried all the usual options, giving gentle assistance in match-making may be appreciated. Suggesting online dating is generally not very useful, since most people have, and it comes with its own problems.
Growing together
“There is neither Jew nor Gentile, neither slave nor free, nor is there male and female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus.” (Gal 3:28)
Christ’s Body is full of all types of people in different life situations living in harmony and working side by side. When we speak to our single friends about spiritual things and include them in our lives we will always find that the blessing goes both ways. How about asking your single friends what are helpful and unhelpful things to say to them, and how you can support and serve the Lord alongside them most effectively?
